Afraid to Fall Read online

  AFRAID TO FALL

  Copyright 2014 W. Ferraro

  All Rights Reserved

  This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the authors, except as provided by United States of America copyright law.

  Cover Design: Rebecca at Berto Designs

  Editor: Jenny at Editing4Indies

  Interior Design: Tami at Integrity Formatting

  The following is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are fictitious or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, to factual events or to businesses is coincidental and unintentional.

  dedication

  thank you

  acknowledgements

  some special shout outs

  prologue

  chapter 1

  chapter 2

  chapter 3

  chapter 4

  chapter 5

  chapter 6

  chapter 7

  chapter 8

  chapter 9

  chapter 10

  chapter 11

  chapter 12

  chapter 13

  chapter 14

  chapter 15

  chapter 16

  chapter 17

  chapter 18

  chapter 19

  chapter 20

  chapter 21

  epilogue

  also by w. ferraro

  excerpt: Crown’s Chance at Love by Mayra Statham

  excerpt: Forever by Mary A. Wasowski

  excerpt: Unspeakable Truths by Alice Montalvo-Tribue

  For Tish

  You are the Ying to my Yang. Always.

  For Mary

  From a friendship created by the works of fiction to a sisterhood based on heart and reality.

  For Alice

  For the sharing of an amazing, tiring, surreal, kick-you-when-you-are-down, wonderful journey, and for the comfort of knowing you always have my back.

  To all the parents

  Who watch their child struggle to function every day in a neurotypical world. I’m sure such a journey was never planned, but try to enjoy the ride and revel in the joy that all the little accomplishments bring, especially when they are usually overlooked and taken for granted. Keep strong and take it day by day.

  I was sad the day heaven received you, but I was grateful for the gifts you sent our way when you got there. Miss you JAD, always and a day.

  I’d like to thank…

  Rebecca, from Berto Designs, for making my image of Gage fantastic, your amazing vision never ceases to amaze me.

  www.bertodesigns.com

  Jenny, at Editing4Indies, for taking a chance on me, your professionalism, focus and talented touch give my words reach and emotion, much deeper than I ever thought possible.

  www.editing4indies.com

  Tami, of Integrity Formatting, your ability to work wonders is in a category in itself. This journey has brought you into my life, but the gratitude I feel for your friendship is unmeasurable.

  www.integrityformatting.wix.com/integrity-formatting

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

  There are so many people, who go through this process of writing and publishing with me. Step by step, they are with me, holding my hand, cheering me on and in some cases drying my tears when I need them most. Without them, the words associated with my name would never be read.

  My BETA team:

  Deb, I am crazy about you. People come into our lives for a specific reason. It is without a doubt you came into my life to walk this journey with me. Whether it is to do research, walk, laugh or drink, I can always count on sincerity and full intentions of my best interests coming from your heart.

  Stacy, even though you only live in my computer, you friendship, honesty and trustworthiness brings great comfort to me. I know you are always just a message away.

  Amy, without you I’m pretty sure I would consider wine as my main food group. You center me when I need to be centered, you make me laugh when I didn’t even know I needed to and you make me feel special each and every day. I’m grateful for you coming into my life and look forward to the years of memories that are in our futures.

  Mayra, you make me laugh girl. Your enthusiasm and eagerness remind me daily why I do what I do. You help me rid the doubt that generally consumes me. Please know your advice, opinions and cheers always mean so very much to me.

  My Hamden Helpers:

  You ladies bring such joy to me, that there truly are no words to describe. Your confidence and incredible dedication blows me away. Never did I think that anyone would know what Hamden is, let alone love it as much as you all do. We started out as strangers with a common interest, and now I know I have forty-three wonderful friends.

  Kim B., Laura, Mayra, Ashley, Lindsay, Shannon, Shelley, Frances, Stephanie, Nicole, Abby, Stacy, Angela, Stephanie, Erika, Kim S., Kristy, Felecia, Amy, Nicole, Sara, Cheri, Doreen, Jen M., Mo, Brandy, Kia, Sarah, Maria, Alice, Jessica, Carolyn, Natalie, Erica, Brittney, Joelle, Jen S., Kelly, Kim G., Steph, Deb, Tracey, Kristen.

  Tracey

  You and I not only walk this journey together but we walk another, more personal one together. You are amazing, strong, courageous and kind. You have a wonderful way of making anything seem wondrous. I’m so happy to have met you, but now that I have, I will never let go.

  Shelley

  Don’t ever allow anyone or anything to darken your sparkle. Your kindness and humor is not only a strength, but makes many envious. Whatever you decide to do with your gift, I hope you know I am here to help any way that I can. And, as I told you before, I think it is amazing, just like you.

  Kristin

  I was so lucky the day my son came home and told me of his friends. But, nothing would prepare me for the gratitude I feel knowing that not only did he gain some forever friends, but that I did too.

  Kelley

  Never could I repay you for all you have done nor could I ever truly put into words how much you have come to mean to me.

  Kristy

  Whether it is oceans apart or hemisphere differences, nothing could keep my thoughts away from you. Thank you for being a wonderful friend to me.

  “Just picked up the plane tickets, gentleman; Krista is going to flip! Bermuda’s pink sand, here we come!” Gage Dennison said happily, as he joined his brothers at the table in Molly’s, oblivious to the less-than-ecstatic looks that passed between each brother’s face. “Oh, you ordered for me already. Great, I’m starving!” Gage happily dug into the gigantic burger waiting for him.

  Gage was two bites in when Hunter carefully spoke up. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

  Gage looked first to his closest-in-age brother, then his eyes roamed from one face to the next, around the table. He finished chewing and swallowed, took a long pull of the soda in his glass and, dumbfounded, asked the table at large, “Why wouldn’t I want to surprise my wife with a romantic getaway for her birthday?”

  Hunter turned his head, looking at Reed, Mason, Casey, and Jamie—anyone for support—before looking back to his oldest brother; each of them were suddenly preoccupied with their cell phones or own meals, leaving only Gage’s questioning and intense gaze.

  Gage had to hand it to Hunter; he didn’t waver under Gage’s glaring inquisition, wiping his mouth with an air of British flare to go along with that stupid scally cap he insisted on wearing.

  “Don’t beat around the bush; if you have something to say, say it. Or do you know something I don’t?” Gage barked, suddenly uneasy.

  Hunter quirked his eyebrow and smiled as he raised his hands, signaling his innocence; the Dennison arrogance was evident in his cocksure gaze.

  Gage needed to take a step back. He knew, without a shadow of a doubt, if he needed to know something, his brothers wouldn’t pull any punches to keep him informed. Regardless of all the bullshit they’ve done to each other throughout the years, if there was anything harmful or treacherous going on, his brothers would tell him.

  Taking a deep breath to tone down his emotions, Gage explained, “Look, it’s been a long road for Krista and me. I just thought, with her finally coming back around, it would be a great time to get away. I think it’s just what we need. Perfect, in fact,” Gage added the last part, trying to convince his brothers he knew what he was doing, even if he felt a little unsure himself.

  Reed chimed in with his two cents, “Look Gage, we all know it has been…difficult these last couple of years for you guys. It just seems like a whirlwind with Krista being back to her old self after everything.”

  The fact Reed’s words hit too close to home wasn’t lost on Gage, but he needed to cling to the joy he felt with having his Krista back. After all they’d been through, it was perfectly normal to have reservations, but these days were so much better than those of a year ago. He couldn’t question her motives for being happy given the all-too-familiar alternative.

  Gage took another few bites of his burger as he sat in silence, listening to the table conversations. Everything from the Red Sox’s chase for the pennant to the Firefighter Academy training drills and who had the best time-trials. Refusing to participate in the bragging and razzing going around, Gage gave up on his burger, suddenly not very hungry. He stood, pulling his wallet out of his pocket, and threw some bills on the table.

  “Leaving already?” Hu
nter asked.

  “I’ve got to run. I have a few things left to do at the barracks before I can head out. I want to get home before Krista to surprise her. I’ll catch you guys later.”

  Gage walked to the door, waving to their waitress as he stepped out into the autumn New Hampshire sun. He slid his aviators on as he climbed into his truck. He pulled out the plane tickets and stared at them, willing them to tell him he was doing the right thing. When nothing came from the thick paper tickets, Gage tucked them in his visor. Through the windshield he could see clearly into the restaurant to where his brothers sat, obviously happy with each other’s company.

  Mentally shaking off the unease that lately seemed to be his constant companion, Gage put the key in the ignition and said aloud, “The surprise is perfect. She is going to love it. There is nothing for you to be afraid of, Dennison.”

  Fear had never been something to hold Gage back from anything. As he backed out of the parking spot, he chastised himself. Keep doubting the happiness you should be feeling right now, Dennison, and you’ll just pound another unnecessary nail in the coffin of your perfect marriage.

  “Come on, Delaney, you can do this!” the nurse urged as she held one of Delaney’s knees wide.

  “I can’t! It hurts! It burns! I can’t do this!” she cried.

  “You’re almost there; the baby’s head is almost out. One big push and his head and shoulders should be out. Come on, girl, you can do this! Ready…one, two, three, and push,” the other nurse instructed as she held Delaney’s other knee.

  Delaney gripped the backs of her thighs and pushed with everything she had, convinced she was ripping in two. There were so many people in the room, and the light above her was so bright, she was sure she would go blind. Suddenly, the chaos of the hospital room and the incredible pain were interrupted by the wails of a baby. Her baby. Her son.

  Oh God! I did it! I’m a mother!

  “You sure are. Good job, Mama!” the first nurse said, answering Delaney’s thought, which was intended to be private. She pulled Delaney’s hospital gown down, exposing her chest, and laid the crying, mucus covered baby on her chest. Delaney’s tears began falling again, but these were the best tears she had ever felt.

  The nurses continued to rub her son clean before he was lifted up, quickly wrapped in a blanket with a little minuscule hat on his head, and placed back on Delaney’s chest.

  “Hello, Jacob. I’m your mama.”

  Delaney asked the nurse to take some photos, motioning to her camera on the bedside table. After a few precious captures, the nurse returned the camera. “Can we get anyone from the waiting room for you?”

  “No,” Delaney answered quietly, refusing to have this moment ruined by thoughts of having no one to share this with.

  “Oh, come on, I’m sure there are some grandparents somewhere waiting to meet this little prince,” the nurse coaxed happily.

  “No, there isn’t,” Delaney answered feeling a small ache deep within.

  The bubbly nurse just wouldn’t give up. “How about the new father, can we get him, or call him?”

  “No, he won’t be coming either. It is just me and Jacob now.”

  Delaney placed a kiss on Jacob’s head, silently promising he would never want for anything, especially love.

  I love you, my sweet angel.

  Thankfully, the nurse finally took the hint and stopped the questions. Gradually, the crowd of people dispersed, leaving mother and child alone. Delaney held Jacob in her arms, admiring his precious little body. She lost track of how many times she counted tiny fingers and chubby toes. He had a small tuft of brown hair, the softest heart-shaped lips, and perfect, healthy pink skin. He clasped his little fist around her finger as Delaney softly sang him every lullaby she could think of.

  Sometime later, another nurse came in to check on her. She entered Delaney’s hospital room, leaving the door open to the hall. As the nurse quickly checked Jacob’s vitals, Delaney’s head turned to the growing commotion in the hallway. A crowd of people lingered in the hallway outside her room—men and women carrying balloons, flowers, and stuffed toys—all with the same joyful expression plastered across their faces.

  Delaney ignored the nurse’s small talk, unable to shift her eyes away from the boisterous group who entered the room across the hall. The merriment persisted with many words of congratulations and endless amounts of praise for the elated parents and newborn child.

  “Delaney?”

  Her attention finally pulled from the celebration occurring twenty feet away, and she turned to the kind nurse who wasn’t oblivious to Delaney’s obvious strife.

  “It doesn’t matter if the love all babies need comes from one person or ten. As long as they get every ounce their little hearts and bodies require, the number of people who give it is irrelevant.” The nurse winked as she left Delaney’s room, closing the door behind her.

  Delaney played the nurse’s words over and over again in her head as she snuggled Jacob closer and softly whispered to him, “I promise you will never need love, or acceptance, from anyone other than me. I wanted you before I even knew you were growing inside me. Soon we will be someplace where you will never feel unwanted, or that you had done something wrong. I promise you, baby boy, I’m going to make our lives the best I can. You are the only one who matters. My heart is for you, Jacob, and only you. Mama loves you so very much.”

  As day turned into night, Delaney held Jacob close, knowing her plans for their new life were the best way to go. It was scary, but given what she had dealt with in the last few months, a move to a new place couldn’t be any worse. And with that thought in her mind, she just had one thing left to say. Hartford, and everyone in this huge metropolis, can kiss my ass!

  “Of all the luck!” Delaney Collins kicked the front tire of her Jaguar XK Coupe. Now that her heart had stopped threatening to beat out of her chest, she looked up and down the dark snow-covered road and tried to think. She was never a fan of snow, and driving in it was definitely not her strong suit, but for some reason she thought she could plow through her fear and the growing amount of fluffy whiteness on the ground. She had actually begun to feel triumphant when they’d passed the sign announcing they had finally reached their destination of Clearwater Falls. But a split second later, her feeling of euphoria was slashed as a deer darted out in front of her, and Delaney slammed on the brakes. The car fishtailed then spun around as she desperately tried to control the uncontrollable hunk of expensive metal. It finally came to a stop, thanks to the large rut and snowbank the passenger side of the car found.

  She wiggled her toes inside the expensive, warm designer boots, which were not meant to touch any sort of weather, and pulled her hood tighter around her ears. I will not cry. I will not cry. Inwardly, she called herself all kinds of stupid for not pulling off the interstate when she had the chance. Oh, but no, she had to push her luck, and now look where it got her.

  Guilt ridden, Delaney peered through the window and found her infant son still fast asleep in his car seat. Of all the ugliness her life had turned into over the last year, he was her beacon in the darkness. He offered her the same unconditional love she felt for him.

  Delaney opened the door and clicked the heater up a notch to ensure he stayed nice and warm while she figured out what to do. She pulled her phone from her pocket, rolling her eyes at the no signal alert that hadn’t changed from the first three times she looked at it. Suddenly, her visibility improved as two strong beams of light crossed over her.

  A vehicle approached as she turned toward the source of the light, shielding her eyes. It was hard to make out, but it was big. The sound of the roaring engine cut through the cold night air, and made the earlier silence seem that much more quiet. The large truck came to a stop, revealing a large snow plow on the front, and suddenly, she felt like she was in the beginning credits of a horror movie.

  As relieved as she was to have someone stop, she couldn’t help the apprehension of facing a stranger in such circumstances. You’re moving to a new town and starting over. Get used to strangers, Delaney!